


Quiet Thunder

by mywritingbox



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Angst, F/M, Post-ACOFAS
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-24
Updated: 2018-05-24
Packaged: 2019-05-13 11:16:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14747799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mywritingbox/pseuds/mywritingbox
Summary: Lucien expressing his frustrations to Elain. This takes place post-ACOFAS.





	Quiet Thunder

It had started the night before. An unusual discomfort had taken place in his chest and he had rubbed at it all evening, waiting for it to go away, trying to ignore it as Jurian and Vassa discussed with him. He had tried to participate, discuss and laugh along but the feeling kept intensifying as the night went on.

 

_ Something was wrong with Elain. _

 

The thought kept repeating itself in his mind over and over again but he tried to push it away, tried not to think about it. Elain had been going through a variety of emotions the past few months and Lucien had silently endured them all. 

 

Space was what she wanted and space is what he would give her. Even when it was impossible for him not to think of her constantly. An ache. An ache Lucien didn’t ask for and an ache he didn’t think he’d experience again.

 

But now, it was well into the morning and the feeling had only increased, the discomfort edging onto pain that had him bolting upright from his bed and winnowing into Velaris, haphazardly slipping a shirt on, his sleeping trousers nearly slipping off in his haste. 

 

He quickly knocked on the door and when a minute passed, his knocking became more frantic. 

 

A wide-eyed Feyre slowly opened the door and blinked at Lucien. “You’re my friend Lucien, but you better have an explanation for why you’re here looking like this.”

 

“Elain.” he choked. “Is she alright? How badly is she hurt?”

 

“Elain?” she blinked. “She’s fine she’s just -- oh.”

 

“Oh,  _ what?”  _

 

“She started her cycle this morning.” Feyre said with a small wince then waved a hand over him. “This makes sense now. Come in.”

 

Lucien followed her in, the tightness around his chest loosening slightly.  _ Just her cycle _ . A cycle from the deepest pits of hell if he remembered correctly from his own mother’s experiences. From Jesminda’s. His chest tightened again at the thought of her name and he shook his head at the shame he felt. Ashamed that he was thinking of his previous lover while his mate lay upstairs in pain.

 

Not that she wanted anything to do with him. 

  
  


Lucien followed Feyre into the huge kitchen of the estate and he nodded his head in greeting at the two half-wraiths who returned the gesture.

 

“How -- how is she?” he asked softly.

 

“It’s been a rough morning.” Feyre said quietly as she took a tray loaded with hot tea and a small portion of food from Nuala’s hands. “I was actually on my way up to see her now. She’s mortified that everyone knows she’s dealing with it. As you’ve probably picked up by now, Elain is a tad more modest than most.”

 

Lucien nodded, a thin smile on his face. “From the few times we’ve been in the same room standing miles apart. Yes, I’ve gathered.”

 

Feyre gave him a look then sighed. “I’ve tried, you know.”

 

Lucien shook his head. “Don’t worry. I don’t blame her. I don’t blame you either. It’s not your responsibility.” He paused, glancing at his hands clenching the edge of the counter then up at Feyre. “Would -- would it be alright if I saw her? Made sure she’s okay?”

 

“I don’t know if she’ll be up for that.” Feyre said, biting on her lip in thought. “I can ask and see.”

 

He nodded in response. “I’ll wait down here.” he replied then sighed, running a hand through his hair. “I’m sorry for coming in like this. But I -- I felt it. Her discomfort and pain. I thought she was hurt. As her mate, I’d --- I’d like to help in any way I can.”

 

“A very specific kind of hurt.” Feyre said, scrunching her nose then chuckling.

 

He gave her a small smile. “Indeed.” he replied then his smile fell from his face. “Um, let me know what she says.”

 

She only gave him a sympathetic smile in return, leaving with the tray in her hands. Lucien let out a breath and tried to remember why was he even here in the first place. Again, it’s not like she wanted anything to do with him. Months had passed and yet...at the first sign of dismay, here he was.

 

So much for dignity.

 

~~

 

This must be what hell felt like. 

 

Elain was in actual hell.

 

She let out another pitiful whimper, her fingers digging into her pillow trying to figure out what was worse: her uterus that was viciously shedding itself or her lower back that felt like a thousand knives were being stabbed in it. 

 

She curled up herself in fetal position, hoping to center all of it in one spot and Elain was pretty sure she if it was possible to die from this, she would’ve been dead ages ago. 

 

But then -- then something felt different. Her head lifted slightly and she immediately knew what it was.

 

His scent.

 

Her  _ mate.  _

 

Why was he here?

 

Why would he come?

 

Elain knew she hadn’t been the kindest to him. In fact, she was the rudest she had ever been to anyone when it came to him. 

 

Lucien.

 

He wasn’t a bad person. He’d been nothing but kind to her and yet, she couldn’t make herself be more open to him. Previously, it was because she had still been in love with her ex-fiancé who had tossed her to the side at a moment where she needed him most. 

 

But that wound was still there. Mending, but still there.

 

Now however, she avoided Lucien because she wasn’t ready for any other alternative he may offer her.

 

It wasn’t fair. But Elain was in no way going to change the amount of the distance between them. In case -- in case he demanded more than she could offer.

 

So why was he here?

 

A knock on her door interrupted her thinking and she weakly mumbled, “Come in.”

 

Elain registered Feyre’s footsteps as she closed the door and came closer to settle by her side at the edge of the bed, placing the tray on the nightstand next to it..

 

“Hey...how are you feeling?” Feyre asked and Elain let out a whine.

 

“Like I want to die.”

 

Feyre chuckled, rubbing Elain’s arm gently. “I bought you tea and some light food.”

 

Elain rubbed her cheek into the pillow, glancing at Feyre for a few seconds then averting her gaze. “I know he’s here.”

 

The room fell silent. 

 

“Yes, he is.” Feyre finally spoke.

 

“Why?” 

 

“Because he sensed that you’re hurting and wanted to check on you.”

 

“ _ Why?” _

 

“Are you really asking me that?”

 

“We’re strangers, he doesn’t have to pretend to care.”

 

“He’s not pretending to care. He does care. You’re his mate, you’re also my sister.”

 

“I doubt he’s here because he’s worried about his friend’s sister suffering through her cycle.” she said with a snort and then groaned softly as she stretched her body back flat on the bed, hoping to ease some of the tension in it.

 

Feyre sighed. “You know, he doesn’t want anything from you. He just wants to check on you.”

 

“I’d rather he didn’t.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because we’re strangers.”

 

“You’ve known each other for a year now and the only reason you’re not any less of strangers is your own fault.” Feyre said firmly and Elain shot her a look.

 

“What do you want, Feyre?”

 

“I want you to just stop worrying about him whisking you away and forcing you to be his bride for one minute and actually talk to him.” her sister said softly. “Like it or not, that link will always be there. You avoiding it won’t make it go away. So stop pretending it’s not there and address it so you both can move on.” 

 

Elain eyed Feyre silently, her lips a thin line. Her sister was right, of course. That didn’t mean she wanted to talk to him. Especially in this state.

 

“Not today.”

 

“Elain.”

 

“Not. Today.” she hissed.

 

Feyre only silently gazed at Elain then sighed and stood. “Fine. I’ll let him know.”

 

“It probably won’t be for a while.” Elain only managed and watched as Feyre’s mouth turned into a thin line then nod as she opened the door and ---

 

He was standing there. Standing in her doorway. 

 

~

 

Lucien had tried to stop himself, tried not to care enough to follow but when he saw a chance, he took it. He just wanted to make sure she was alright. Maybe for once, get a damn word in to this female he was shackled to. 

 

He stood silently outside her door. Debating whether he should knock or wait for Feyre to come out but then he had heard every word in their conversation and had frozen to the spot, jaw clenched. 

 

Truly like a deer caught in headlights, she was staring at him as though caught in a dirty act. Still as beautiful as the first time he’d seen her.

 

Elain bolted up or tried to, and slowly sat up with soft whimper.

 

“You don’t have to get up. For once, please don’t.” he said.  _ Please let me say what I have to say so it doesn’t stay bottled in me forever,  _ was what he wanted to say instead.

 

Feyre’s gaze hardened at him and he silently stood in the doorway, watching the two sisters exchange glances. 

 

“I thought you were going to wait downstairs.” Feyre finally asked, turning back to him.

 

“Nuala had hot pads to help Elain. I offered to bring them up.” he stated dryly. 

 

“You didn’t have to do that.” Elain replied, her cheeks flushing that he was standing at her door. That he had actually come up. How would she avoid him now?

 

“No, I didn't have to.” he agreed, then held out the pad to Feyre. “ But I wanted to. I know you’re in pain and uncomfortable.” 

 

He watched as Feyre silently took the pad from him and brought it back to Elain’s side where they exchanged a silent conversation that had him dropping his gaze to his feet, the back of his neck heating. When was he ever going to be in a place that didn’t make him feel like scum?

 

“I don’t think now is a really good time.” Feyre said, walking back towards him. “Elain is pretty tired, another day we can --”

 

“When?” he said through clenched teeth and he felt both females pause, his eyes still on his feet. “When, Elain? When will you spare me some of your time so we can finally talk about this?”

 

“Lucien --” Feyre began but he held up a hand gently, finally locking gazes with his mate. 

 

“I just want to say my piece and maybe I’m a bastard to be saying it with her in this state but at least I know she won’t walk away and I can finally say what I have to say.” he continued.

 

Elain’s eyes widened slightly and then she averted her gaze, like she always did around him. 

 

“And what do you have to say?” she asked quietly.

 

“Do me the dignity and at least  _ look _ at me when I’m speaking, please.” he said quietly but firmly.

 

He watched as Elain met his gaze and they shared a moment of silence. A moment where frustration, longing, sorrow, and hurt, so much hurt was exchanged in that gaze. 

 

Feyre stood silently between them but Lucien’s gaze never wavered from Elain’s.

 

“Yes?” she asked him.

 

“A year. A year has passed and you’ve ignored me.” he began, a hand moving to grasp the doorframe. “I can’t blame you. You don’t know me. I don’t know you. But we’re mates. That bond, that tie is always going to be there hanging over our heads whether we want it to or not.” Lucien swallowed trying to choke down his frustration, his shame. “But you are very arrogant to assume that I asked for this. That I  _ want  _ to be your mate.” 

 

He watched her eyes widen. 

 

“You don’t want a mate? That’s fair. I didn’t want one either.” Lucien continued, choking back a snarl. “I already had the big love of my life. She was everything to me.I thought  _ she  _ was my mate, I was  _ waiting  _ for that mating bond to snap in place but that didn’t happen.” He squeezed his eyes shut, the wood of the doorframe groaning under his grip and his voice softened as he continued, “She was murdered because of me and I have had to live with that for years on end until the Cauldron decided to throw us together.”

 

He watched her delicate hand fly to cover her mouth, eyes widened, but in horror this time. He only gave her a tight smile.

 

“So forgive me for saying this again but, it is very bold of you to assume I am sitting here and asking about you because I am blindingly pining for your affection.” he said, his voice a deadly calm. “I am not some rabid animal that is trying to hunt you. I am not some -- some filth that is trying to force anything on you. I didn’t ask for  _ this _ . I didn’t ask for  _ you _ . But the cauldron put us together for some reason or another. It wasn’t what you wanted and it most certainly wasn’t what I wanted or expected. All I ask is that you give us a chance.”

 

Elain swallowed, her chest rising and falling at his harsh words, at the tone. “A chance at what?”

 

“To know if there’s anything between us worth fighting for.” he answered. “To know if you’re worth any more effort on my part.”

 

“Lucien.” Feyre warned but he only held up a hand again.

 

“I don’t mean it as an insult. I’m not looking for a mate. Not after ---” he cut himself off with a swallow then continued, “What am I looking for is a partner. Someone who will be my friend. Someone who will share the shitty moments as well as the good ones. You once said  to me that no one ever looked at you, never saw you. You wanted someone who will. Well that’s what I want too. Someone who sees me, Lucien, and stays.” 

 

A heavy silence fell in the room as Lucien took a deep breath and Elain nervously fiddled with her sleeping gown, at loss for words. Feyre silently watching them both.

 

Finally, Lucien spoke up again from his position at the door. The position he hadn’t moved from, wouldn’t move fromNot until would she let him in.

 

“The cauldron seems to think you’re it, Elain.” he said, glancing at her once more. “But the cauldron isn’t always right. Maybe we’d be great mates. Maybe we wouldn’t. Maybe we could be friends. Maybe we won’t. But the least -- the _ least  _ you could grant me, _ us _ , is a chance to talk about this.”

 

He watched as her gaze flickered from his face and back to her hands and he didn’t miss the slight trembling of her lips.

 

“I didn’t ask for this either and I’m not looking for you to love me. I’d just like to at least be your friend.” he added softly. “But if you really don’t want that -- if you don’t want anything to do with me, then that’s fine, but we need to discuss that. You want me to see you? I do. I see you. More importantly I  _ feel  _ you all the time. I feel everything that you’re going through and I understand. But please understand this,  I cannot and won’t stand having no closure on this any longer. I  _ can’t _ .” 

 

He heard his voice crack on the last word and lowered his hands that has been gripping the door back to his sides and again, Lucien felt his whole face heat up as silence enveloped then.

 

_ Say something _ . He wanted to beg.  _ Say anything. _

 

As though she heard him, Elain finally spoke up. “Would you have cared to want to be my friend if I wasn’t your mate?” she asked and his head snapped up to meet her gaze drilling into him. “Would I have mattered to you then?”

 

“You are Feyre’s sister, someone who is a close friend of mine. I would’ve cared about you because you’re her sister and then as we got to know each other, I would’ve cared about you for you.” he replied. “You’re important as your own person, Elain...but Feyre was the initial link between us.”

 

“And now? The only reason you want to get to know me is because of this bond?”

 

“Would you even know I existed if it wasn’t for the bond? Are you giving me a chance to get to know you despite it?”

 

Elain fell silent at that and he watched her swallow before answering, “He still has a place in my heart.”

 

“She still has one in mine.” he only replied.

 

He watched her gaze drift down to her hands as she fiddled with her fingers again but Lucien had had enough. His eyes locked on Feyre, “Heated massages always work well. My mother used to use this special lotion that stays heated as it’s rubbed in. It helped to alleviate the discomfort. I told the twins about it and Cerridwen went to get some from a shop in the city that I looked in once. I thought it might help.” he said quietly then his gaze flickered to Elain. “Feel better. Find me when you do.” 

 

Lucien whirled on his heels and didn’t see or hear anything around him as he blindly made his way to the front door of the estate and winnowed out, winnowed back to his own bedroom, hoping for once, maybe today, he wouldn’t choke on his own frustrations. 

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is always welcome :)


End file.
